Miss or Miss Out?

7 Sep
Miss or Miss Out? I miss drinking.   I miss everything about it.   Well, almost everything.  I don’t miss the hangovers.  Or forgetting stuff.  And I don’t miss missing out.

I miss the anticipation of that drink, whether it be a nice cold glass of white wine on a hot summer day, or a warm, silky glass of red on a snowy night in winter.  Or an ice cold beer on the beach or the golf course.  Or a gin and tonic at the end of 18.   Don’t forget the vibrant pink hue and delightful shape of a Cosmo on a night out with the girls.

I miss going to a friend’s house and chatting over a few glasses of wine. I miss going out to dinner and enjoying a bottle of wine that my husband orders.

I miss eating crabs and reaching for a cold beer with my Old Bay-covered fingers.  I miss chasing down spicy Thai food with a lovely, chilled Viognier or Gruner Veltliner.

I really miss the sound of a champagne cork popping and the fizz of the bubbles rising up inside a beautiful crystal flute.

Decaf after dinner is not quite the same as Sambuca and its three floating coffee beans.  Or a velvety glass of vintage port.  Nowhere close to the taste of Sauternes.

I miss coming up from the beach, putting on music and mixing up some yummy concoctions.  The sound of the ice clinking in the glass or being crushed in the blender.  Shots of tequila that are like rapidly-firing burning bullets down the hatch.  The warmth that quickly spreads throughout the body.

Patterns of behavior.   Non-alcoholics may not understand at all the myriad activities that are associated with drinking.   I think about watching a chick flick while my husband is away–I think wine.   I want to take a bath to soak aching muscles –I think wine. I think about a wedding–drinking.  A funeral–drinking.  Theater–pre-theater drinks, intermission drinks, post-theater drinks.   Concerts–of course drinking.

Skiing–après ski.  Bowling–pitchers of beer.  Football–tailgates.  My kids’ lacrosse games–tailgates.   Ice skating–hot toddy.  Sailing–beers in coozies.

Halloween trick-or-treat—road sodas.  Christmas–champagne and egg nog.  Easter–Bloody Marys.  New Years — more champagne.   Hanukkah– Manashevitz.   Mardi Gras–Hurricanes.  The Derby–Mint Juleps.   Cinco de Mayo—Margaritas.

Pretty much if you tried word association with me, I would come up with something alcohol-related for every word.  But I don’t miss missing out on all the things I did when I was drinking.

I missed out on tucking my kids in and telling them bedtime stories many nights because I passed out early after drinking all day.

I missed out on some great relationships and friendships that crumbled because of my drinking.

I missed out on years I could have been enjoying my marriage

I missed out on learning many important life lessons because I wasn’t listening or couldn’t remember them.

I missed out on countless days of just living life because I was too hungover to get out of bed

I missed out on memories because I blacked out.

I missed out on feeling strong and healthy because alcohol was poisoning my body.

I missed out on knowing that I am worthy of so much more than I believed.

I missed out on pride and self-respect because of things I did when I was drunk.

I missed out on sleeping peacefully through the night.

I missed out on serenity.

But I’m done missing out on life. I am now able to wake up with a clear head, not having to struggle to remember the night before, and realize that every day is truly a gift.  I’m missing the drinking less and less with each day of sobriety.   No more miss-takes.

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4 Responses to “Miss or Miss Out?”

  1. Christy M. Witschie September 7, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

    Reading this entry in Sobrietease brought back 40 years of missing out. Your description of the insanity associated with events and alcohol describe me to a t. I , too didn’t do anything where there wasn’t some kind of drinking involved. Your ability to relate each drink to each occasion had me remembering the taste so vividly of the alcohol that was leading me to the devil. I will continue to add to all the things I would have “missed” out on..

  2. brunie September 7, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

    WOW…..This one hit home…I just came inside the house after spending this wonderful afternoon reading the Washington Post and relaxing by the pool. I was contemplating the beauty of my garden, the flowers, the blue water and the blue sky and suddenly I became SAD. All this beauty around me and YES I realized I was missing a nice glass of chard…by the pool, poured in an extra large Riedel glass…

    .Like you sometimes I miss the rituals, the romance, the ambiance that alcohol provided after that first sip, Like you I have beautiful memories of drinking occasions BUT at the end of my drinking I was left with the hangovers, the blackouts and the shame……”Alcohol gave me wings to fly and then…alcohol took the sky away.”

    KEEP ON BLOGGING!!!!! I LOVE YOUR WRITING!

  3. Mary Jo Basurto September 10, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

    I was almost waiting to say “oh,honey don’t” when you kept up the litany of our dream lives…so true the pretty romantic worlds we lived and had to have. It helps me to stop myself when I go back there and remember the shit storms, yes, and more the life we missed! But the way we were programmed by advertisers to keep on wanting wanting wanting to have FUN! That’s what brings me right back to this life I want now. Really real realty. With love and fun and helping each other find contentment.

  4. L.Veatch September 11, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    I’ve never read a more well-written, enticingly vivid description of alcohol linked with activities and memory. Through your writing I can certainly see what strength it takes to resist. You are amazing and a wonderful encouragement to others. Nobody said sobriety was easy but your a testament shows how difficult it is and the committment and will it takes. Kudos, lovely friend.

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