Weak Enough?

23 May

For some reason, things get a little slippery for me around anniversaries.  Many people have told me that they have the same issue. Not sure what it is.  I’m coming up on my two year anniversary on May 28th.  God willing,  I will have made it 730 days, one day at a time, without a drink.    Why, when I can practically taste the sweetness of my accomplishment, would I even entertain the thought of picking up a drink now?   Is it easier to sabotage my own success than have to worry about continuing the daily battle?

When I shared today that I was feeling scared, doubtful and uncertain about whether I had the strength necessary to maintain a sober life, someone told me something that really stuck.   “It’s not about whether you are strong enough.  It’s about whether you are weak enough.  Weak enough to realize that you can’t do this yourself, but that God can.  Weak enough to turn it over.”   It gave me a whole new way to look at things.  It’s okay to be scared.  In fact, it’s good to be scared and show your humility and respect for the fight for sobriety.   I’ve done cocky too.  I got this.  No problem. Somewhere in between there, the happy medium, or as my friend calls it, the right size box, would be nice.

So back to where I was…scared, doubtful and uncertain.  What helps now is going back to basics.  One day at a time.  If I have to, one hour at a time.  Remembering all the things in my life that are so much better now that I am sober.  Thinking about the stupid mistakes I made when I was drinking.  Remembering how good I feel now, physically and emotionally, and how bad I felt before sobriety (I’m gonna call it B.S.).   I don’t want to go back to B.S..  Often when a new year is approaching, people create “In and Out” lists—what is going out of style and what is coming in for the approaching year.  So here is my in and out list, or B.S. vs. A.S. list:

B.S. (OUT)
Resentment
Insecurity
Depression
Anger
Low Self-esteem
Doubt
Weakness
Fear
A.S. (IN)
Compassion
Humility
Security
Pride
Joy
Happiness
Understanding
Strength
Confidence

Which list do you think looks better?    Whether it’s two years, two decades or two hours of sobriety, what separates us is only one second.  The second before we pick up a drink or not.  So in that one single second, pray that you are weak enough.  That’s my plan.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Weak Enough?”

  1. carrythemessage May 23, 2014 at 2:39 am #

    congrats on your upcoming birthday!!

    I have heard this thing about anniversaries, etc. I haven’t experienced it myself, so can’t speak to it, other than the fact for me was that I found myself gravitating towards a drink when things were going WELL, rather than bad. It’s like booze would elevate things. Good times would get that much BETTER. You know? And so it may be self-sabotage, or a deep thing about keeping the party going…if we feel this good now, imagine how good we can feel later, bottle in hand??

    Love the lists – thank you for sharing this 🙂

    Paul

  2. Christy May 23, 2014 at 5:19 pm #

    I guess it’s kind of like “The monkey’s off your back but the circus has come back to town?” I experienced some of the same feelings near my third year anniversary. Good news is that it passes and more AS goodness fills your life. I totally get the weak part as you described so well. Love the lists also. Great piece Atta Girl.
    Love you, Christy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: